Monday, June 08, 2009
what's wrong with me.
why do you keep hurting your love ones.
i went to the library today and this book just caught my eye.
"Choosing Happiness"
i didn't touch this book after i borrowed it.
till after she talked to me on msn.
i still don't get how i was wrong.
but i do know, the problem lies with me.
page by page, i read through the book.
then i stopped at this subtitle "Look for patterns"
no matter what quarrels, what arguments.
it just seems that everything just started with me.
i continued reading till another subtitle "You are not the centre of the universe."
i asked myself. Am i?
all along i was just purely stubborn.
from young, the only thing my mum dislike about me is my stubbornness.
i didn't knew from when but my mum started to said i'm arrogant, selfish to only think for myself.
yes, i am. i am arrogant. i thought i was the best, the biggest when i'm only nothing.
all i did was just complain and complain.
and to blame on others, to hurt the ones i love.
i've changed so much that i don't even know myself.
i despise myself.
how did i even become like that.
i rejected everyone who cared for me.
i hurt them by saying they doing not care for me,
when they truly do.
just because they didn't give my expected care.
i was stubborn to insist the care i expected.
i was selfish to think only for myself and yet to blame others.
i don't like myself.
i hate myself.
every single thing that happened to me today is because of the actions i did, the words i said.
all the quarrels, the termination.
yet i blame everyone but myself.
i was such a fool, an idiot.
to the girl which i love and hurt so much:
sorry was the last word you needed.
i know i had hurt you too much.
so much that you gave up on me.
i denied the care you gave me.
i hurt you with my stubbornness.
i made you cry with my bad temper.
the happiness which i had once promised to give you was destroyed with my own hands.
i dare not to hope for your forgiveness.
but i have decided to change not only for you and the ones who cared for me.
i only wish you can wait for me.
"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me"
