Wednesday, June 17, 2009
work. has been so tiring.
with my back ache. but i can pull through.
suddenly, this thing came to my mind.
failure, am i one or am i not.
the answer is Not yet.
how can i be a failure when i still have a long way to go in life.
how ridiculous of me to think of myself as one in the past.
there can be miracles when you believe.
1 week of reflecting.
life ain't bad at all.
other than tiredness from work, i've started to love my life.
however i'm missing this girl of mine.
i've been thinking why.
why things have been so different.
what's gone wrong.
perhaps being human. greed, one of the 7 sins.
we just expect more.
i agreed. i did expect more from her.
from the selfless one, to the one who demands and craves for the constant care and attention.
i'm the source of the problem
happiness is contagious.
one have to be happy to give happiness.
one have to give happiness to attain more happiness.
giving doesn't necessary mean instant payout, it runs a long way.
i once depicted myself as a clown.
one who sacrifices oneself to give joy and happiness to others.
but it was such a long time ago.
selflessness.
i have lost this character of mine in vain of searching for success.
it was a long time since i had refused to give.
i have enlightened selflessness.
it's time to cultivate and make use of it.
being able to smile everyday is a gift from heaven.
and i haven't been using it.
no wonder, life been so tough for me.
Nerdy Cheesecake! 7:23 AM
Saturday, June 13, 2009
so many thoughts ran through my head.
so many questions i asked myself.
but when will i get my answers.
i read the book.
i meditate.
i reflect on myself.
but i just don't understand.
what is life to me.
which is the path for me.
what is right and what is wrong.
3 years back when i was still in poly studying design.
i asked myself, what is the definition of beauty in design.
till now i don't have my answer.
few weeks back, i asked her.
how do you state that a high heel shoe is nice.
is there really such a thing called talent for taste.
tell me. what's my definition?
what's the definition of my life?
Nerdy Cheesecake! 5:56 AM
Monday, June 08, 2009
what's wrong with me.
why do you keep hurting your love ones.
i went to the library today and this book just caught my eye.
"Choosing Happiness"
i didn't touch this book after i borrowed it.
till after she talked to me on msn.
i still don't get how i was wrong.
but i do know, the problem lies with me.
page by page, i read through the book.
then i stopped at this subtitle "Look for patterns"
no matter what quarrels, what arguments.
it just seems that everything just started with me.
i continued reading till another subtitle "You are not the centre of the universe."
i asked myself. Am i?
all along i was just purely stubborn.
from young, the only thing my mum dislike about me is my stubbornness.
i didn't knew from when but my mum started to said i'm arrogant, selfish to only think for myself.
yes, i am. i am arrogant. i thought i was the best, the biggest when i'm only nothing.
all i did was just complain and complain.
and to blame on others, to hurt the ones i love.
i've changed so much that i don't even know myself.
i despise myself.
how did i even become like that.
i rejected everyone who cared for me.
i hurt them by saying they doing not care for me,
when they truly do.
just because they didn't give my expected care.
i was stubborn to insist the care i expected.
i was selfish to think only for myself and yet to blame others.
i don't like myself.
i hate myself.
every single thing that happened to me today is because of the actions i did, the words i said.
all the quarrels, the termination.
yet i blame everyone but myself.
i was such a fool, an idiot.
to the girl which i love and hurt so much:
sorry was the last word you needed.
i know i had hurt you too much.
so much that you gave up on me.
i denied the care you gave me.
i hurt you with my stubbornness.
i made you cry with my bad temper.
the happiness which i had once promised to give you was destroyed with my own hands.
i dare not to hope for your forgiveness.
but i have decided to change not only for you and the ones who cared for me.
i only wish you can wait for me.
"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me"
Nerdy Cheesecake! 3:47 AM
